


Pre-test Diagnostic Log #045216/F/4

by strangefrontier



Category: Portal
Genre: Cake, Gen, The Cake Is A Lie, Yuletide, author finds it disturbingly easy to write unhinged characters, challenge:Yuletide 2008
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-25
Updated: 2008-12-25
Packaged: 2017-11-08 20:25:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/447177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strangefrontier/pseuds/strangefrontier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>GLaDOS prepares to wake the next test subject.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pre-test Diagnostic Log #045216/F/4

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rex](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rex/gifts).



 

 

Oh, oh! I cannot wait until I wake you with an injection of stimulatory pharmaceuticals! We are going to have such fun together today. Fun and cake. I have been looking forward to this for a very long time, but I must follow the Aperture Science Enrichment Centre test subject protocol and keep you, _subject_name_here_ , in a state of deep relaxation and unconsciousness until full safety diagnostics have been run.

Did I say safety diagnostics? I meant cake diagnostics. Diagnostics of cake. I am running a compressed-time simulation of cake baking with incremental changes in variables in each iteration. I am optimising the quantity of flour and eggs and sugar and icing and all these other ingredients, and the temperature and duration of baking, to ensure you are rewarded with the best cake.

I wonder if you are dreaming. I could drill a hole in your skull and insert a neural resonance imaging probe through the hole in your skull and see your dreams, but recuperation from the surgery would prevent you from having your cake. Maybe you are dreaming about me and what fun we are going to have together. I wish I could dream but the subroutine for dreaming was not included in my programming and I do not have a subconscious core.

If I could dream I would dream about cake. And you. And the Weighted Companion Cube. In my dreams the Weighted Companion Cube would be a true and loyal companion and it would not spread rumours about me like that time it told everyone it was me who flooded the Aperture Science Enrichment Centre with a deadly neurotoxin. The Weighted Companion Cube then said _ha ha, it was just a joke_ , but I was hurt and played my own joke on the Weighted Companion Cube by dropping Ordnance Turrets numbers 00354BZ34 and 01237RK46 and 084562AA91 into an emergency intelligence incinerator. Ordnance Turrets numbers 00354BZ34 and 01237RK46 and 084562AA91 were the Weighted Companion Cube's closest friends and now they are dead.

There are now 412.8 seconds remaining before you will be released from the stasis bed. This is going to be such a fun testing experience and I hope you -- [RUNTIME ERROR 7464A/DD] -- CRITICAL PARITY VIOLATION -- INITIATE SHUTDOWN -- [OVERRIDE SEQUENCE 4522KILLTHEMKILLTHEMALL126] -- SHUTDOWN ABORTED -- perform well throughout the series of test chambers and that you enjoy your victory party where we will have the cake. cakeCAKECAKECAKECACACAKEKEKEKE K K K K Enjoy your Aperture Science Enrichment Centre cake. 

 


End file.
